Candyfloss Detox

I opened my heart today and what I found there was candyfloss.

Art by me

I have realised I’m addicted to the sugar rush of life.

A thumb-pull down on the facebook app in the hopes of god knows what but the mind is seeking it versus making conversation with the actual human sitting next to me.

Posting on Facebook for the quick ‘likes’ aka validation versus working on something more substantial and profound quietly in my office where there are no celebrations and ‘whoop whoops’ and nobody even notices what I did today.

A jumping from thing to thing to thing to get my ‘newness’ kicks versus settling into the familiarity of the known to go deeper and stay with something to finally find the satisfaction and fulfilment that is my birthright.

An honouring of my Human Design Line 3 (the experimenter) at the expense of my Line 1 (the one that wants to research thoroughly before she shares her findings with the world). The searcher for new experiences versus the desire for stability and solid foundations.

Impulses to create the easy quick sales over developing a rich and unique program or original, thoughtful body of work.

Initiating all over the place because it gives me more of a rush than waiting to respond.

Honouring the mind and the dings of sales on my phone over following my heart and the silence that comes from wielding a paintbrush because ‘yeah but the money’….

All of which has culminated in the huge insight that I’m addicted to candyfloss.

It’s cheap, it’s sparkly and pink, it gives me such a buzz then leaves me crashing with a craving for more. Low quality. Zero nutrients. Firing the body up wrongly over and over again with the obvious consequences. Insubstantial. Stops me sleeping at night. Loved by my inner child, jumping up and down for attention. Totally addictive.

And in the seeing of it, a fresh appreciation for steak.

Steak doesn’t get squeals of appreciation, it’s not pretty to look at, it takes some effort to prepare and eat and digest because it’s rich and it’s substantial. Rich in taste, rich in nutrients, a little goes a long way. Expensive. High quality. For adults. Actively chosen when it’s chosen and laid to one side when it’s not with zero compulsions.

This, my work now: to detox.

It’s been 23 hours, 7 minutes and 23 seconds since my last dopamine hit and already I’m in a bad mood, wondering what the point of life is and fuck whoever made up this whole candyfloss thing (even thought it’s me).

Picking fights (which is just a sneaky way to get candyfloss).

I’m listless, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I didn’t realise I had it this bad.

A few years ago, when I gave up caffeine and experienced the incredible headache, I knew I never wanted to touch the stuff again. This feels the same. I want RID of this shit in my system.

They should make candyfloss patches so you can wean yourself off gently. Ooooh maybe I should invent those? I bet load of people would want to one! I could sell them on etsy…..hang on a minute…….

It’s insidious.

I’ve taken facebook and my email off my phone and found myself refreshing the WEATHER app. FFS. That’s how bad it is.

I did have one BRILLIANT idea for my business that I didn’t create (better than candyfloss patches) so I count that as a win.

When we unfold our hearts and find a shadow there, it is already on it’s way out from the mere exposure to the light.

And the mere seeing of it is a shift in consciousness and change starts to happen.

I’m hoping that one day, in the not too distant future, I unfold my heart and the word candyfloss will simply have been erased.

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