I shan't be doing that again.

This post is 88% true.

After a regular health MOT by the nurse and getting a bit of a telling off because two medium glasses plus one small is, apparently, binge-drinking, I decided to try an experiment.

One day, ONE day of doing everything one should, just to see what it feels like.

I shan’t be doing that again.

The plan was to do things like floss my teeth, go to the gym, shave my legs before my massage, be kind to old ladies, eat half-portion sizes, step away from all screens for an hour before bedtime, sit up straight after dinner, set up a pension, that kind of thing.

Here’s what happened.

It started well when I went to load the dishwasher and noticed lots of chips clogging up the round thing at the bottom. Instead of pretending I hadn’t seen them, I leaned in and got them all out plus cleaned the round thing. Retching, but I did it.

I also stroked the dog for ten minutes.

Felt extremely virtuous.

This might be easier than I thought.

The next ‘should’ was to tidy away all stacks of books next to my bed that I trip over during overnight bathroom visits. The problem here was that I needed to have done what one should do for weeks already and sold a load of books because our shelves are all full.

But no time travel machine was available so this task proved impossible, it seemed through no fault of my own.

I flossed my teeth. Again, I realised I should have done what I should have been doing previous to this occasion as then my shocked gums bled so much I looked like a vampire and I was sad my children sleep until noon because they would have considered this totally sick.

I took the dog for a walk and listened to a Joe Dispenza walking meditation to get me in the mood for going to the gym (which one should do when one is a self-proclaimed gym bunny), but despite my intentions, and much to my surprise, found an image of heartwarming mothering arose into my visions which brought me to tears.

I returned home, my heart full of love and in a very motherly mood.

They were still asleep so unable to receive the benefit of this new mothering inspiration so I packed my bag for the gym then got distracted by the dragons from my last post and spent the rest of the day painting the home they have come from.

At regular intervals I was texted by afore-mentioned children with requests to photograph bits of paper or make cups of tea or give lifts to the station. It was intensely annoying, lots of FFS muttered under breath and, at times, complete disobedience on my part.

I then remembered I was being motherly and mid-paint I went to the shop to get the food for one child that can only eat a particular brand of sausages of which we had none. Again, realised one should have been doing what one should have been doing previously and kept the fridge fully stocked and this potentially melt-down inducing situation would not have arisen.

Came back for said child to point out my arms were covered in blue paint, my top had been on inside out and there was a bit of blood on my chin. I blame her and now am not sure I can show my face in the local co-op for a few days.

However, I notice, we’ve run out of milk…

I cooked the rest of us pasta for lunch and slipped and by accident served myself a full portion and then slipped again and somehow cheese got on the top of it all.

I then went for my massage and because of the painting distraction had not managed to shave legs and still had blue arms and blood on my chin.

Also had on bad pants I was ashamed of.

She was polite and did not mention any of these things.

I forgot to make a fresh salad full of vitamins and fibre for dinner as I had planned. Instead I made more pasta (my husband, the cook of the house is away and pasta is my signature dish) and poured a jar of Dolmio over it.

I was so far gone from my plan of a day of doing everything I should by this point that when I slipped for the third time that day and accidentally grated cheese all over it, and a can of coke tipped itself into my mouth, I was past caring.

I stayed up late binge-watching Outrageous, alternating with Facebook and Instagram in the ad breaks (which I could have fast forwarded but I didn’t because why watch one screen before bed when you can watch three?).

What I learned: the moment I declare I’m going to do something one way, my inner rebel kicks in and I behave worse than I normally would. Like a baby.

I also noticed that minus the shoulds, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Henceforth, I resolve to stop making resolutions.