Space

I unfolded my heart today and what I found there was space.

Into space comes everything.

I am ready for more of it.

Over on Facebook, I write my ‘diary of a manifesting generator’; every day a seamless flow of creativity and action. I might move from rising to painting to writing a new program to running a workshop to walking the dog to playing my handpan.

I kid myself I stop each evening when I sink onto the sofa and switch to Netflix but in truth this is not space, I am not even there.

This is numbness.

Over the past two years, my retinas have been breaking.

Ten retinal tears, numerous laser treatments, an epiretinal membrane, the removal of that, a cataract operation and a vitrectomy. The result of all of this is a persistent swelling at the back of my eye, a crushed optic nerve and disruption to the central vision in my left eye. I call it ‘the dolphin’ because that describes the shape that appears in front of my eye, scattering my vision.

I’ve been trying not to let it bother me, trying to carry on as usual.

A few days ago I received a HeartHealing® from a colleague.

During the meditative journey, my higher self appeared. She took my hands and she shared with me that she has placed the dolphin in my left eye as a gift.

She told me to stop all this restlessness.

She told me to wait for solid ground to appear under my feet once more, to be still and heal now after the past few years of mid-life tumult.

She told me that when I am ready, she will remove the dolphin.

A shower of bright white bricks fell from the sky like Tetris and assembled under my feet in a shining square. And through the gaps between each brick, roots grew from the soles of my feet, deep into the blackness below.

 Outside of the square: nothing.

Space.

Not a cold emptiness but a rich dark fertile void.

I am ready to stand still here. Daydream here.

And let what will emerge from that darkness and come towards me, exactly what is needed in this moment to assist me in that restorative journey.

No need to step off the square and zip around the blackness, creating explosions of messiness and fireworks left right and centre, seeking, seeking, seeking who knows what.

Nothing that can ever be found out there.

I am ready to be the recipient instead of the instigator.

From the darkness might come a painting that wants be birthed through my hands.

I can stand here now and be a vessel for that.

Or a child, seeking guidance on a university application.

I can stand here now and be a vessel for that.

Or a greenhouse, blown-over (again) and needing to be repaired.

I can stand here now and be a vessel for that.

New people drawn towards me, old friends too.

I can stand here now and be a vessel for that.

Or….things I can’t even being to imagine.

I can stand here now and be a vessel for all of it.

To trust the silver square and the space.

And when I am ready, the dolphin will fade and then disappear.

I imagine then the joy of standing still and knowing life will be delivered to me will be so embodied and delightful that I may remain on this bright silver square forever.

On a practical note, my diary is going to have to change to allow for this process.

My whole life, in truth.

I am ready.